Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
