i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
