I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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