I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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