note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
