Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
there is another microwave in the elevator.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
