shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
