I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
