There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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