I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize