you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
