Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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