Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
