She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
