Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
