im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
