We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
a search helicopter?!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
