Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
