i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
