12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
