Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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