from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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