I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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