Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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