doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
