sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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