I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
