I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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