addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
