oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
