My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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