party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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