Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I need water and some morals
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
