a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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