I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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