i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
