Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
