My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I puked a lego.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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