hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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