Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
