Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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