I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
