I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
