I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
