We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize