I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
