im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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