he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
