Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
