Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
