Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
