It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
