i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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