We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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