How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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