Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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