Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize