Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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