so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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