Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize