he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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