So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
