go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
